I got nothing checked off my to do list today. The crinkled loose-leaf paper which sat folded a thousand times in my purse is laid out on the smooth white granite of my kitchen counter.
It is prettily highlighted according to priority in greens, pinks and blues, and I squint trying to blur their strong outline. Perhaps if I squint hard enough it will become like an impressionistic painting rather than the stark organized realism before me?
It makes me anxious, all these unattended tasks, as though I am failing at the management of my own life and yet. And yet .. (FOR THERE IS ALWAYS an AND YET)…AND YET…today was a big day. It wasn’t meant to be a big day.
It became big by accident.
I went to the gym.
I met with a personal trainer.
It was a HUGE edge for me.
I have always struggled with what has felt like the limitations of physicality. My experience of my body often feels heavy and I refer not to my weight but to my spirit feeling tethered to form when it wants to flow freely.
And while I can connect to my sensual nature easily when I make love, or eat a delicious meal, the day to day in this body has never felt easy, and so I have spent the vast majority of my life ignoring it and hoping it will catch up with my mind and soul; except that it hasn’t.
I have arthritis in both my knees, my neck, and my right shoulder. I also have sciatica that comes and goes.
Reality check strikes. A cruel check mark.
The gym feels claustrophobic although sunlight streams in through skylights that are strewn across 30 foot ceilings.
My right knee aches; I have a shooting pain in my shoulder and I grimace as I lean in to the cold metal apparatus.
The trainer tells me to focus on firing my glutes instead of my knees.
I think that I want to fire her!
I focus really hard on my damn butt muscles, but instead my knees lock up and I want to give up.
But I don’t.
I stay and pretend I am Wonder Woman before she became a superhero – and actually schedule another appointment for next week.
And then I soak in the hot tub and steam like an ape in the mist.
But I am exhausted, not only by the physical exertion but by what it took from me psychologically to overcome my discomfort.
It’s 9pm and I look my to-do list straight in the eye.
And as I am underwhelmed by the lack of check marks on the page I am suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude at this personal success of mine today.
It is remarkable. I am remarkable!
Some days what we get done is not what we expect. Perhaps what we accomplish is bigger than the tasks on our to do list!
I’d like to think so. What about you?
